Mad At One's Self

A recent incident which involved a cell phone and a swimming pool reminded me of something from my past. I shall not elaborate on the cell phone and the swimming pool as it is too fresh and painful for the person involved to be seen with humor. However, it did remind me of another story from years gone by.

Once upon a time... years ago... I had those hard contact lenses that you paid a ton of money for and kept forever... or until you killed them. Each night I was to put the contact lenses in a case, put them in a little sterilizer and heat them. One day the nifty little unit died. So, I went to Plan B and began putting the contact lens case in a pan of water, bringing it to a boil, then turning off the flame and letting the water cool with the case in it. I did that for awhile rather than buy a new sterilizer unit.

As the law of averages would have it, one night I was awakened in the wee hours by a putrid smell... sickeningly sweet. When I finally surfaced enough to realize what was going on, I knew I'd not returned to turn off the fire under the pan of water that contained the contact lens case.

I remember jumping from the bed and thinking that I hoped I hadn't killed my kids with fumes from melting plastic. It really was a strong smell. After seeing that they were breathing... seriously... I was scared...., I ran in and turned off the flame. There was a puddle of melted, burned, almost charred in places, plastic containing my expensive contact lenses in the bottom of a very dry burned pan.

I couldn't believe I'd been so careless. I remembered well getting sidetracked and leaving the pan on the stove. I was thankful I hadn't killed the kids with fumes... or me either. I was also a tad peeved at my own careless act and the fact that it was costly and totally preventable.

It was then I had a stroke of genius. The next morning, after the glob of plastic cooled and I was able to retrieve it from the bottom of the pan, I carried it to Daughter I-Needa and carefully placed it into her hands. I told her what I'd done and how careless and costly that mistake had been. I told her that she was to hang on to it, to place it somewhere safe, and that she might need it in the future. I told her that one day when she did something really careless and costly, she was to simply had me the glob of melted plastic. It was her safety key. It would be an instant reminder that I had no right to blame her for a careless and costly mistake.

I knew that at some point in time I-Needa would redeem herself with that glob of plastic. I was right.

I was away at an evening meeting. A sitter had been here taking care of the kids. When I returned, I found the glob of melted plastic carefully placed on my bed pillow. I stared at it for awhile, then laughed. I went to I-Needa's room carrying the glob and asked what had happened.

She remembers lying there afraid of really getting in trouble. She had taken out her lenses and accidentally filled the case too full of cleaning solution. When she screwed on the top, she hadn't realized that the lens had floated too near the edge. It was smashed to smithereens. That's when she had remembered the glob of plastic so carefully hidden in her underwear drawer.

I just smiled and told her that I really did understand how she felt. We talked about the time I'd melted that glob and how I'd felt when I did it. I told I-Needa that I really did understand how she felt and that it was okay.

I think my actions with the glob of plastic was a result of something my father had done years before. He liked to refinish furniture as a hobby. He had refinished a lovely round walnut table and planned on using it for a breakfast table. Mother and Dad left for a nearby town to deliver our old breakfast table to someone who wished to buy it. I was left alone in the house and came up with a splendid plan to be helpful and surprise them when they returned.

I decided to move the table into the breakfast area and get it set up before they returned. To get the table through a door, I would have to turn it on its side and work it through the doorway. What I didn't think about was the fact that it had a lock on the underside to keep it from sliding apart. I didn't know about that. Plus... the lock wasn't locked. As I tilted the table, the parts slid and the table edge crashed into the concrete porch floor. Not good! I remember even today how sick my stomach felt at that moment. I would have given anything to take back those few seconds in time. I looked at the edge of the round table and saw the broken mess. This meant that my father would have to redo the table to repair it. All my good plans for a surprise were shot all to heck and back.

I remember that afternoon as one of the longest in my life. I went to a friend's house to share the horrid thing I'd done and seek some comfort. I considered packing my bags and just never returning. I just felt sick. The few hours that my folks were gone seemed to stretch into an eternity. I knew that I'd have to tell what a careless thing I'd done as soon as they returned.

I remember so well what happened when I faced my father to tell him what I'd done. He just looked at the table and said it could be fixed. There was not one word spoken about it. He didn't get after me about it at all. I remember the relief I felt at the time. I think that is what drove me to give that glob of plastic to I-Needa. It reminded me of how my father had reacted without condemnation. I wanted a reminder so that I'd remember to treat I-Needa the same way if it was ever needed.

I realize I've babbled on today about something that happened years ago, but I hope I never forget those things. It is important to remember that we all mess up. Some messes are bigger than others, but getting mad at one's self, or others, doesn't help the situation. We are all going to do careless and costly things at some point in our lives. We should respond with forgiveness and a realization that we are human and just do things like that.